"OK guys, I have a hit song about a knife, and I'm married. Anything else you need to know?"

I know many of you have been hearing rumors involving myself, and things that I have allegedly done, and I'd like to take this opportunity to address some of those right now.

1) No, I did not get a new dog.
2) Yes, there was a small lawsuit involved, but I managed to clear it up by baking several dozen cup cakes
3) It was burgandy, not red
4) I am not fluent in russian
5) I think that the reason for this whole fiasco can be attributed to the fact the couch in my gameroom is far too comfortable, and my weary body is quite prone to napping between the hours of 2 and 6pm.
6) I know it takes a long time, but I'm working on fixing that
7) If you look at the main page, it says August 22. Please be patient.
8) As it turns out, the whole thing about chlorine turning your hair green is not a myth, but infact a real and concrete truth. I advise all frequent swimmers to exercise caution while participating in nautical activities.


I think that is all. If you have more questions, or have heard another crazy (and probably false) story about me, just call my support line (which is coincedentally the same number as my cell phone) and our representatives will do their best to quell your fears and affirm your deepest insecurities.