If You Were Me

If you were me, this is how you would spend your birthday. You would wake up at noon, but not get out of bed until 1pm. You would open your computer to find that 3 different people you knew in high school, and that you had not talked to in years, had sent you Facebook birthday wishes, and this just makes you sad. Your mother would send you an online greeting card that she thinks is funny, but actually isn't. She also has put $200 into your bank account. As soon as you are done with the greeting card, she would call you to wish you happy birthday and to tell you not to spend all of the money on records. You would nearly cry when she tries to convince you that you're twenties are great. She does not understand the things you are leaving behind.
You would go to do laundry down the street from the house you are staying in, but the owner of the Greek restaurant next door would inform you that the laundromat has been closed for months. So instead you would go to the other laundromat by Eastgate liquor, in the section of town that is less than pleasant to visit. The laundromat would be completely empty, as would the change machine. You would wrangle $3.00 in change from the liquor store, and then walk over to the UPS store and get another 4 quarters from them. As you leave, you would pause and remember the last time that you were in this UPS store.
At the laundromat you would chainsmoke while you make phonecalls to friends. A man in a hat designed to look as though it were cut from an actual American flag would come in with his girlfriend, change their clothes from the washer to the dryer and then they would sit out front and share a cup of yogurt. This man is missing many teeth. His girlfriend, who is apparently from Eastern Europe (mailorder?) would say to you "Your clothes... feenish."
"No," you would say to her, "Mine are on the other side, the far dryer." She would return to her boyfriend and her yogurt.
You would gather your clothes and leave, and as you are loading them into the car some of them would fall onto the ground in the parking lot. You would curse loudly, and hope that their newfound cleanliness has not been compromised.
You would go home, and take a shower, and then rush over to Panera and eat dinner by yourself. You would think it might be clever to take a cigarette and stick it in the top of your sandwich, like a candle. You would call it art, a reflection of this day, and of your attitude. Then you would think about how gross that would be, and that you still want to eat the sandwich. This, you would decide, would not be very clever after all.
You would go to work, where your boss would have a list written down of everything you had done wrong the night before. He would also tell you that everyone hates you, because you are "the new guy." While taking out the trash, you would step on a nail and it would go all the way through the sole of your shoe and into your foot. You would think of how perfect it would be, to end this day in the hospital. You would think of telling the story later, to your parents and friends. But then you would think that maybe it wasn't so bad, it didn't really go in too deep. And that nail looked pretty clean too. You would skip the hospital, and go drinking instead.
Rosa, currently the only other member of the Midnight Club would meet you in front of the coffee shop and the two of you would walk half a block to Teller's. The Postal Service album would be playing on the stereo, and you and Rosa would sing along loudly and annoy the other people in the bar. This album would make you simultaneously happy and sad. It would make you miss certain people, that you had almost invited to be part of the Midnight Club, but then you would think that it is better that this person is not there to see you like this. So drunk, so sad. She would only think you were being dramatic, putting on a performance for her.
There would be a cute girl sitting across from you, wearing a shirt that says "Rockets." You would curse yourself for not wearing the shirt that you have that says "Rockets" because that would be such an excellent conversation starter. She would smile at you, and then walk across the bar and hit on a frat guy in a blue shirt.
You would walk Rosa to her car, and then take out your headphones that had broken earlier this afternoon. You would walk down the street, past where she parks her car, past where he lives, and she would not be in either place. Just as well. You would go home and watch the end of a Kevin Smith documentary thing with your roommates, and then you would go to your room and pass out...

...That is, if you were me. But you're not.