I dont really care about anyone anymore. When I realized this I was terrified, but I reminded myself that it is oddly comforting in some ways. When floating through space without any tethers tying you to solidarity, you leave everything behind and you only have to worry about dying.

My 19th birthday is on monday, and I'm dreading it in a way. Firstly, I keep forgetting that its my birthday soon, so every time someone mentions my birthday it's like remembering a small piece of an amazing dream that you had weeks ago. Second of all, I dont want everyone to make a big deal about it. I wish we could just go out to dinner, like a normal family and eat a meal that is marked by no particularly special occaision. They should just deposite my presents directly into my bank account. Birthday bypass surgery. I'm also feeling impossibly old. I never imagined being 19 when I was a kid. I seem to have reached a point beyond the comprehension of an 8 year old, where uncertainty grows stronger than even fantassy. I dont know what to expect. I to have fallen face first into adult hood, and everything I do is like trying to make a U-turn on a one way street. At least 18 caries some amount of novelty with it.

More than anything I just dont want to be bothered.